Difficult people are everywhere; they walk the hallways of every company in every industry. It goes without saying then that as project managers we sometimes have to work with difficult people. They are our colleagues, bosses, friends, neighbors, and family members. Difficult people can quickly turn a good day into a tense day, a harmonious team into a conflicted team, a positive workplace into a negative one, a happy home into a silent home.

What can made working with difficult people difficult is their inability or unwillingness to respond to generally accepted communication strategies. This is because their insatiable needs and negative habit patterns that are deeply entrenched. Their sense of entitlement is stronger than in the "average" person. According to Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D, author of Coping with Difficult People, "Individuals behave in a difficult manner because they have learned that doing so keeps others off balance and incapable of effective action. Worst of all, they appear immune to all the usual methods of communication and persuasion…."

Difficult people carry around with them more negative attitudes than positive ones; the negativity creates stress and tension; stress and tension in turn create negative thinking, and negative thinking creates difficult and often destructive behaviors. Difficult people are not "born" difficult; they create and learn how to express these attitudes and behaviors. Knowing that these attitudes and behaviors are "learned" it goes without saying then that these behaviors can be "unlearned."

Because these people work with us, our responsibility as "recipients" is to learn how to diffuse, cope, and deflect the behavior, so it no longer affects us in adverse ways. The affect of these behaviors can range from irritation, resentment, and anger to rage and complete debility. Make no mistake, difficult people can be destructive. They can block the flow of information, keep work from getting done, and destabilize a team long enough so it remains stuck in a "storming" stage. Identifying and calling out the adverse ways in which another person's behavior and attitudes affects us in not being critical or judgmental as some might fear; it is acting on your integrity--the obligation you have to yourself not to allow other people control you and adversely affect your own work performance and state of well-being.

Recognizing the Patterns of Behaviors

Everyone has a bad day now and then. We lose our temper, withhold information while we pout, and tie ourselves up on knots with frustration. However, what distinguishes having a bad day from a difficult person is the habit of acting out and creating "bad" days for others and themselves. This is the rule, not the exception. One of the first things you want to be clear about is knowing what difficult behavior (people) looks like. While difficult people express their behaviors in a variety of ways, there are three key elements that distinguish difficult people--negative habit patterns of behaviors and attitudes recognizable adverse affects from these habit patterns, and insatiability. Other characteristics of difficult behavior include:

1. Being chronically sardonic. This is one of the most difficult characteristics to really spot because teasing, sarcasm, and put-downs have somehow become socially acceptable! These people take the cheap shots, roll their eyes in meetings, and humorously put others down. Their teasing has a point to it. They are full of innuendos and "crazy makers." They are covert in their hostility and when confronted with the question of "are you putting me down," they will quickly reply, "I was just teasing! Can't you take a joke," and then the problem becomes yours.

   Solution--Continue questioning the covert attacks with a charge neutral stance. It may diminish future put downs with you as the target because the difficult person is no longer getting any "juice" or emotional reaction from you.

2. Being chronically pessimist. The pessimist is usually a constant complainer. The whine and see themselves as victims of other people. They typically have low self-esteem and low confidence in themselves and others. Ironically, the chronic pessimist can be highly intelligent but still lacking in self-confidence. Often we are fooled by their credentials and bravado. They can be discouraging to work with because they chronically see their project as "half empty" instead of "half full." They worry and complain and can bring a team to a grinding halt with hopelessness.

   Solution -- Remain realistically optimistic. Don't try and convince them out of their pessimism. They live by Murphy's Law, so if something will go wrong chances are they will attract it, and then they will remind you that they knew all along that things would go badly.

3. Using silence as a weapon. The silencer uses "ignore mode" to reject and hurt other people. They are "telling" you they are ignoring you by giving you the silent treatment. In addition to their silence, they may become aggressive, purposely plodding, and give short snippy answers when asked a questions.

   Solution --Don't' be too quick to fill in the gaps when you get the silent treatment. Act as though you are comfortable with the silence. Remember, the difficult person is purposely giving you the silent treatment to either attract attention to him/herself or to punish you. So, act as though you are comfortable. Avoid asking "yes or no" questions. Don't be afraid to ask them why they are not answering your questions with more detail. Often if you wait long enough, their silence with make them feel uncomfortable!

The Don'ts Of Working With Difficult People

• Don't take their behavior personally. It is not directed at you personally. It is a debilitating habit pattern that will affect most people who come in contact with them.

• Don't even try to beat them at their own game. You'll lose. They have a lot more practice at this than you do and they are excellent at keeping others off guard and confused.

• Don't try to unnecessarily appease them. This is tricky. On the one hand if there are things can you can legitimately do or change that will help mitigate a difficult situation/ person, then go ahead to do what you can. However, be careful not to do uncommon or special things in order to appease the difficult person. What happens is you end up quieting them down in the short-term, but changing nothing in the long term. This situation is no different when trying to appease a petulant child. It works only for a few minutes. Know this, difficult people are insatiable, so no matter what you do to appease them, they will want more. They have weak boundaries and have little concept of their insatiability and the drain they have on others.

• Don't try to change them. You can only change how you respond to them and perhaps some environmental things. If you try and change them, chances are they will change you into a frustrated, angry colleague or boss. Depending on the severity of the behavior, you can request specific changes within the workplace. You must, however, make the context and request specific as opposed to broader changes in their personality and behavior.

• Don't be intimidated; stand up to them. Difficult people expect an either "fight or flight" response from others. They expect you to either react in anger or to kowtow and acquiesce to their demands. Do neither. Be straightforward, firm and assert the facts along with your confidence. If they are really out of control, let them run their course (assuming it is safe to do so), then calmly look them in the eyes, call them by name, and assert yourself. The more straightforward you are the less tension you will experience. Tension comes from our inner thoughts not matching up with out external behavior. You know you are in the company of a difficult person and they are getting the best of you when you are feeling tense.

• Don't give up. Give yourself time and practice to learn how to deal with difficult people. Don't become discouraged. Remember, you are not looking to change these people, your goal is to break the cycle of interference and adverse affects. You want to feel comfortable knowing you can come to work and enjoy yourself without the tension these people can create.

Dealing With A Difficult Person

When you are clear that the person's pattern of behavior is affecting the workplace, you or your boss should sit down with the person and discuss the situation. Below are some guidelines for discussing difficult patterns of behavior with a colleague or employee.

1. Talk in person or by phone.
   Don't hide behind email or a memo. If you can't schedule a private meeting, telephone is second best. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time and space to have the discussion. Find a quite room. Make sure you will have no interruptions. Set a specific time for the meeting and stick to it. Don't make the meeting too long or too short. Above all, show regard for the other person.

2. Don't look for blame.
   Use language that is objective and impersonal. "You are acting like a jerk" becomes "The behavior I witnessed today in our team meeting disrupted the flow of information."

3. Be clear about the impact and results.
   Make the impact and results of the difficult behavior clear. This also helps shift the focus of discussion from blame to outcomes. Outcomes can be dealt with; blame cannot. For example, you might say, "When the report didn't get finished on time, the team was not be able to ship the product to the customer. Not being able to ship the product to the customer caused a loss of revenue."

4. Get to the point.
   Keep the discussion brief and to the point so you don't stress out either party. There is no sense in belaboring the situation. The goal is resolution, not absolution. Explain the problem in behavioral and attitudinal terms and from the point of view of what you need. Do not become accusatory and do not take it personally. Stay focused on the observable and the impact that behavior has on you and/ or the team. Emphasize their positive qualities are being eclipsed by the negative ones. You want to instill the positive attributes in this person while clearly pointing out that their negative reactions to things are not serving them.